We had a big weekend last weekend. Dad’s play was performed, and we all went and enjoyed it, including Duncan, Becky, Maggie, Peter, Oli, Lara, Rhea, Steve and I, uncle Roger, Noreen, and mum’s friend Catherine. It was mum’s birthday and Alice’s too, who was visiting us for her 50.th
She slept in Lara’s bed (Lara wasn’t very happy about that but didn’t complain) and the girls took turns sleeping with us. On the second night, Rhea read Alice chapters from a Rainbow Magic book in Lara’s bed until both were sleepy.
We had lots of plans of things we would do in the four days Alice was here, but she had a skin infection that required daily dressing by a nurse; she didn’t sleep well at night so often had a siesta during the day; and we had to go to the local swimming pool for a shower as she couldn’t get in and out of our bath. All that took time. She also ended up in Emergency for five hours after the nurse was worried about her infection, but happily she was discharged before dinner, so we had leftovers followed by a sponge cake bought from Woollies with strawberries, blueberries and cream with candles. Her vision is reduced after her stroke a few years ago and her mobility is also limited, so when we went to the zoo we borrowed a manual wheelchair for her and an electric one so I could nurse Lara, who was still on crutches more than five weeks after her skiing injury. It was fun zooming around in the wheelchair (though I wasn’t very adept at using the electric one) and it was different to see the world from that lower height.
Alice enjoyed having a pub dinner with our household for her birthday, followed by seeing the play; and she likes shopping so had a nice time at the shops with Steve, where she bought the girls several kinder surprises. She and I had a quiet day on her last day, including a lunch of olives, concentrated lentil soup used as dip, carrot sticks, and salad with mint and radicchio from the garden with pear and a balsamic vinegar dressing – eaten on the deck.
I like Alice and enjoy her company. She knows a lot of jokes, some of which are good, but it’s her quick wit that I most appreciate, her generosity and empathy, as well as having an insight into a life and life circumstances so different to my own. It’s a life which involves a lot of dealings with the health and social systems. When I’m with her for such interactions I feel sometimes powerless and frustrated, so I can only imagine how she must also have such feelings from so many years of reliance. I think it’s hard being dependent on people who are a part of a bigger system in which your needs aren’t the paramount consideration, or not always in the timeframe that works for you.
Alice was sympathetic about the challenges of morning and bedtime tussles with the girls, and was interested in my latest strategy of writing down the details of tantrums and how long they last each day, so that I could study the patterns and see what worked in addressing them and what didn’t. Having done this for a month, I can say that there was a tantrum nearly every day (usually by one or other of the girls, rarely both) that lasted a total of from fifteen minutes to one hour forty five; but on average thirty two minutes of tantrumming, which was usually reduced on weekends. Every night also involved nagging/bribing/begging them to get into their pyjamas, brush their teeth and get into bed for between 30 minutes and one hour, with an average length of active time being also thirty two minutes. Triggers for their rage are not being given the food they like; one girl having something that the other wants; not liking decisions that have been made that affect them; and after a screen has been taken away.
I would agree with Steve Biddulph’s assessment that rushing is the enemy of love when it comes to children; and I like the techniques of two parents I know of having an agreed activity straight after screen time and when it gets really tense, saying that if the child doesn’t want to have time out, then mummy needs it, and going into another room with a cup of tea.
I recently read some of the books in the series of little books on big themes, particularly enjoying Leigh Sales’ On Doubt; Blanche D’Alpuget’s On Lust and On Longing; Susan Johnson’s On Beauty; and Julian Burnside’s On Privilege. I couldn’t track down Germaine Greer’s On Rage but I’d like to read it and learn about her take on the subject. I think rage can have its benefits, especially if it’s the catalyst for empowerment and action. Ditto for the emotion of frustration.
Next time I talk to Alice on the phone I’ll tell her what my observations uncovered, and outline how we’ve been going working out a different way of doing things that minimises the stress for everyone.
I haven’t cracked it this week, but we’ll see.
